Present Tense
by MonsterBeatle
Summary: An unknown muggle pieces together wizarding history.
1. Present Tense

Even though I use the word "goddamn" to the point of being redundant, I'm convinced I'm not doing too badly in the ol' brain department as I don't think any other muggle has pieced together as much about the whole Potter business as I have (except perhaps some of the ol' Europeans and Asians because in this goddamn western world we only hear about them if they make a scientific discovery or start killing off all their goddamn citizens).

There's also a possibility that ol' Rainbow Rowell has an inkling of something fishy going on because I'm reading ol' _Fangirl _at the moment and even though I haven't noticed any homosexuality in the wizarding world, the ol' "Simon Snow" idea seems to pretty accurately represent Potter, Granger and Weasley, a word after which it's suitable to through in another 's' because of the goddamn marriage nonsense, which to my knowledge has already taken place because of the clues I've been noticing around the place that point to some Album Severus Potters on the goddamn loose. And if that wasn't sickening enough, then the whole marriage business should be. I can tell from a goddamn distance that ol' Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger are about as compatible as a dementor and a patronus.

I'm pretty clever if you can't already tell. I'm something like ol' Sherlock Holmes' sidekick in the new season (the BBC one, not the goddamn American nonsense) the one on all the drugs but who still has a goddamn brain in his head, which is hard to find these days; of course, it's not especially uncommon and I'm usually a pretty good judge, though I actually recently came across a character who I would have said was a goddamn idiot from a distance. [this character] Being in a movie, I picked up the trail pretty goddamn quickly, but had I met him in a real life context, I would have thought he was a goddamn fool – I'm talking about ol' Gerry Boyle from 2011's _The Guard_, which wasn't especially amusing if you ask me.

Anyway, I live in ol' Little Whinging and I'm sure that if ol' Holden Caulfield had seen it, he would have drawn attention to the phoniness of the place. In fairness though, what phoniness hasn't been drawn attention to by ol' Holden, the bastard. In fact the only person who isn't phony in the whole goddamn neighborhood (including ol' Harry Potter) has always seemed to be ol' Arabella Figg, my meeting with whom basically launches the story, a thing which is ongoing mind you. Present tense in other words.


	2. The Beginnings of My Investigations

If we all are just brains in a vat and our experiences are been fed to us by some goddamn alien, it really does make me feel better about myself; if ever I have some goddamn suicidal thought, I could follow through and it wouldn't even matter. It would just be a provocative moment in what the goddamn mother alien sees as a drama. This whole theory also applies to goddamn embarrassment, but honestly while personally it would all be simple for me that way, for most people one of the ol' philosophers would manage to contradict it with "whatever is simplest is real".

I suppose I ought to say how I even met ol' Mrs. Figg. It was incidental really. I genuinely met her and she did something, which just made me smile.

I love it when things make me smile. I remember someone who I knew a few years back and whenever she was asked a question from a teacher, she would just perk up in the loveliest way. That just made me smile although the smile felt like a smerk and someone eventually told me how unattractive it was. So I stopped.

Anyway, Mrs. Figg and I became friends. She was quite a tough person, but I often thought it was a façade and so started visiting her in a more doctorly capacity. It was on one of these appointments, 1992, it must have been, when I bumped into ol' Harry Potter (I was at this time ignorant of the whole magic thing) and I noticed a stick in his jeans and smiled in this whole Foyle routine I do (Foyle is a character in Foyle's War another goddamn BBC show) and I said very suave and all, "Wand?"

From this stemmed all my goddamn investigations and I actually started getting pretty interested in ol' magical history though I obviously couldn't access any goddamn magical history _books_ even though those are all that populate the entire goddamn shelves of the goddamn Hogwarts library.

Anyway, before I get ahead of myself and tell you about all my meetings with ol' Lupin and Dumbledore and the lot of 'em, I'll tell you that Potter revealed a lot will the expression he showed me when I said that word to him. It clearly said, _"How do you know?"_ except it was all shocked and all.

That led to my suspicions and my raising it with ol' Arabella because batty though she seems, she's not stupid and I had my suspicions as to how much _she _had worked out about the ol' wizarding world.


End file.
